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Posts Tagged ‘funny’

Funny Joke: To Be 6 Again

Posted by 104Inc.com on March 4, 2009

NEW YORK - SEPTEMBER 07:  A man exercises on t...
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A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.  Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday.

‘I’d like to be six again,’ she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear,
the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M& M’s. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, well Dear, what was it like being six again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. ‘I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!’

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he’s gonna get it wrong.

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Funny Joke: How The Federal Bail Out Works

Posted by 104Inc.com on November 26, 2008

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.   The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.  

The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad News, the donkey died.’ 

Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’ 

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that.   I went and spent it already.’ 

Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’ 

The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’  The farmer said you can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’ 

Chuck said, ‘Sure I can, watch me.  I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’ 

 A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’ 

 Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off.   I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $ 898.’ 

 The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’ 

 Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won.  So I gave him his two dollars back.’ 

 Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs

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Posted in Advertising, Banking, Business, economy, job, Jokes | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Double Standards Between Men and Women

Posted by 104Inc.com on November 14, 2008

There are a ton of double standards between men and women. Since I am a man I of course will take the man’s point of view on this issue. I especially notice this double standard between married couples. Since I am a married person I believe I have the authority to speak on the subject. I am going to make every attempt to keep this conversation PG but there are also some R rated subjects that come to mind in this area.

To better understand my points of view I must illustrate the scenario first. Couple is married for 10 years and has a 3 year old child; wife is a stay at home mom; family is experiencing serious financial crisis and is on the verge of losing everything including home because of the trying economic times we are in.

Double Standard #1 – Wife calls everyday while you are working to ask when you are coming home but when she has something to do it is not a priority. When you are in a financial crisis you cannot just drop everything and run home because the wife is bored and wants to dump the kid of to the husband.

Continue

Posted in economy, family, Jokes, life, married, motivation, Personal Finance | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Funny Joke: A Sensitive Man

Posted by 104Inc.com on November 13, 2008

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. but doesn’t mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, ‘Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?’

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, ‘Well, how was it?’ The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and

says:

‘Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf’

Posted in Jokes, romance | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

George, we’ve got just the job for you (Funny)!

Posted by 104Inc.com on November 5, 2008

He’s had a crack at being president – but a man of George W Bush’s talents will now surely be looking for his next big challenge. I have some ideas!

As of today, George W Bush has exactly 77 days left to put his resume in order, a difficult task complicated by the fact that whatever he’s done as president, he hasn’t done much of it lately. There aren’t many positions out there suited to a former world leader and professional lame duck, but a few high-profile vacancies have presented themselves in recent weeks, and more are bound to arise as the year draws to a close. There must be some job the man can do competently. He still has so much to give.

Leader, North Korea

It’s just possible that this position will open up soon – if it hasn’t already. Bush would no doubt enjoy the constant sabre-rattling that comes with being a key player in the axis of evil (though he should bear in mind they don’t call it that), but he might have trouble adjusting to the unstinting adulation.

Tour guide, presidential library

Yes, it’s a tradition in America to establish commemorative repositories in the home state of every former commander-in-chief, regardless of reading age or standing in the worst-presidents-of-all-time table. Since this particular library is liable to be little more than a collection of cowboy hats and signed baseballs, Bush should have no trouble showing people around. It would be highly irregular for him to walk up to the front desk and say, “Hello, my name is George Bush, this is my library, and I would like an application form,” but what are they gonna do? Say no?

Star, W: the Musical

This seemingly insane scenario is predicated on the twin suppositions that the Oliver Stone biopic will translate readily to the stage and that Bush can sing. But lots of unlikely films have been turned into musicals, and if Bush turns out to be tone deaf he can always rap his way through like Rex Harrison did in My Fair Lady. Still, it would be weird. A bit like getting Jerry Springer to star in Jerry Springer: The Opera. Actually, that isn’t such a bad idea either. Or maybe Bush could play Springer. Think of the protests.

Host, MTV Awards

There are two positions to be filled here – Russell Brand already looks doubtful for next year, and Lindsay Lohan has just been fired from hosting the MTV World Music Awards, a slightly less glamorous appointment which doesn’t require much more than the ability to read from an autocue in a hesitant and uncomprehending manner. He’s a shoo-in.

Interior minister, Iran

In the old days, the only qualification for the post was a fake degree from a made-up British institution – the previous incumbent, Ali Kordan, possessed a forged certificate for an honorary degree from “London Oxford University” – but Bush has two real degrees, a BA from Yale and an MBA from Harvard Business School (I know – he wears it lightly, doesn’t he?). In fact this may be the first time Bush has gone for a job for which he is supremely overqualified, but he still has some hearts and minds to win in Tehran.

Paris Hilton’s new best friend

This has never been considered a job for life, or even long-term employment, but Paris is currently in the market for someone who is “hot, who can keep up with me, and most of all, who is real, and won’t be a backstabber”. She’s also looking in London, unfortunately. But if he can do the accent well enough to fool Paris Hilton (and how hard will that be, do you think?), he might also be able to convince her that he is both hot and real. And he’s the former president of the United States of America, so it’s not as if she’ll recognise him.

Sarah Palin’s running mate, 2012

A Palin-Bush partnership could provide the Republicans with the ultimate “maverick-anti-maverick” ticket four years from now. The 22nd amendment constitution prevents a two-term president from seeking the office again, but does the US constitution say anything about him becoming vice president and then acceding to the office through the sudden incapacitation of a phenomenally unpopular president? Actually it does – the 12th amendment states that “no person constitutionally ineligible to the office of President shall be eligible to that of Vice-President of the United States” – but does Sarah Palin know that? No. Is she going to read about it in the Times? No.

Biographer, George Bush Sr

A thorough trashing of his father’s legacy could one day see Dubya become widely regarded as only the second-worst president of the US, but he’ll need someone to check his spelling.

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Posted in Advertising, Diary Entry, economy, Jokes, life, motivation, Personal Finance, Politics, Travel | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Whether Democrat or Republican, you should get a kick out of this!

Posted by 104Inc.com on November 3, 2008

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ‘What is Politics?’
Dad says, ‘Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family , so call me The
President
.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! we call her the
Government
.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you
the People
.

The nanny, we will consider her the
Working Class
.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.’
S o the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother asleep.  
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, ‘Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.’ The father says, ‘Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.’

The little boy replies,
‘The
President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

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Funny: Better Understanding of The Financial Crisis

Posted by 104Inc.com on October 14, 2008

Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the
villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to
the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10
and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at $20 for a monkey.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching
monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people
started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each, and

the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even
find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since
he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy
on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. ‘Look at
all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected.

‘I will sell them to you at $35, and when the man returns from the
city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.’ The villagers rounded up
all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys
everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Posted in Banking, Jokes | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Broke into laughter: Jokes about the financial crisis (and share yours)

Posted by 104Inc.com on October 14, 2008

If you had purchased $1,000 of Nortel stock a year ago, it would now be worth $49. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5 left. if you had bought $1,000 of Delta Airlines stock you’d have $49 left. With United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank it and then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214. The best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. it is called the 401-Keg Plan.

* How do you define optimism? A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.

 

* “It’s worse than a divorce. I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.”

* What’s the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? The pizza can feed a family of four.

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Very Funny Investment Advice

Posted by 104Inc.com on September 30, 2008

If you had purchased $2000 of Washington Mutual shares one year ago it would now be worth $2.95.

With AIG, earlier this week your $2000 would have been worth $32.50 while $2000 invested in Lehman Brothers would now be worth less than $5.

However, if you bought $2000 worth of Bud Light one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium recycling plant, you would get $214.

So, based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

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Posted in Banking | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »